5 Video Games in Real Life

It’s an accepted fact that video games aren’t real. Of course some people would like to tell you that you don’t know the difference between video games and reality (*cough* Jack Thompson of course *cough*). Well, sometimes the line is actually blurred. It would appear that video games have seeped into our reality from time to time, and it’s only a matter of days, months, or years before we have to deal with the emerging video game menace. So why not prepare ahead of time by taking a look at the events that have already happened. Whaddya say?

Resident Evil 4

 
RE 4

I will start this one out with a little hypothetical. Imagine you live on a residential street in New Orleans, and are enjoying a lovely day in the sun, tending to your plants (in this scenario, you’re a gardener. Deal with it). Somewhere between spreading manure on your beloved daisy’s, and pouring water on your potatoes, you hear a scream of rage from off in the distance. You, intrigued of course, look up from your work to find a man standing a ways away. He’s looking at you, and he looks pissed.

You stand up, confuzzled, and the man screams gibberish at you. The gibberish is Spanish, and after a torrent of unintelligible words are thrown at you (unless you speak Spanish, in which case they’re… telligable…) the man advances, gets close enough, and punches you in the face. You grab your trusty garden rake, and attempt to defend yourself. Unfortunately for your, you’re also 67 in this scenario, so you don’t last long before the man bites your arm, rips a chunk off, and goes about chewing it and swallowing it, all while pinning you to the ground.

Gardener

You

As you have probably guessed, this isn’t a mere scenario. The assaulted man was in fact one Joseph Lancelottie, and his attacker was a 48 year old man by the name of Mario Vargas. Lancelottie was unprovokedly attacked on Saturday, April 4th 2009.  After hearing cries for help, a neighbor finally arrived to help in the struggle, and the two managed to separate Vargas from Lancelottie. Perhaps the strangest part of this story (yes stranger than cannibalism even) is that, well, I’ll just copy paste:

” He eventually let go of Lancellotti and walked two blocks to a parking lot, where he hovered near an empty police car, the report said. The suspect was still standing there when deputies arrived and took him into custody.”

That’s right, as if he were a zombie, being controlled by say, a rouge Spaniard perhaps, the man found himself a police vehicle, and obediently waited nearby until the police arrived. I’m not one to fear monger more than a little bit at a time, but I am almost positive in my belief that this man was being controlled by an evil person, whom has found himself a virus that renders his captors incapable of free choice. It seems quite curious that the man found a police car to wait by so as to not find any more trouble. Very curious.

Saddler

A rouge spaniard?

Mercenaries (Kind Of)

Mercenary

As far as flimsy relations go, for this list at least, the relation here will take the cake. The original Mercenaries tasked you with finding and killing the 52 most wanted men and women of North Korea. The list was of course devised by the “Allied Nations”, the game’s form of the United Nations. The Ace of Spades is General Song, and he is your primary target. Kill him, and it’s believed that the war will end.

Surprisingly, my real life relation doesn’t have anything to do with North Korea, Mercenaries, or the United Nations. It has everything to do with this man:

Cheney 

The first time he was ever truly happy

That man, and his crazy schemes to laugh at democracy and “take care of things”. I am of course referring to his recently uncovered Roving Death Squads, or as some would call it the “Executive Assassination Ring”.  The group of soldiers whom could, upon the Vice Presidents whim, make their way to various countries and assassinate anyone whom Dick Cheney deemed “expendable”. Of course the fact that Cheney had his own squad of assassins shouldn’t really come as a curveball to anyone, seeing as it’s pretty much like finding out that Santa Clause isn’t real. I mean, you were upset, but were you really all that surprised?

Regardless, assassinating people in a foreign country isn’t unheard of in video games, but it fits with Mercenaries better than any other game I could conjure up because it is distinctly a game about assassination… and blowing stuff up. Mainly assassination though.

assassin

No, not that kind of assassin. Though that’d be sweeeeeet.

 

Hitman

Hitman

Hitman was a wholly original and dare I say, fun, game throughout all of its iterations. As more Hitman games were released the games remained fun, if not as “new” as the original was. The main draw of the series was the delightfully evil ways in which you could go about killing your “marks”. Toasters in bathtubs, tosses off buildings, replacing a prop gun for a play with a real one. All fun, all fulfilling. 

Of course, you do know that hitmen are real right? It’s not a very common career choice to be sure, but from what I’ve seen in the movies, it could most definitely be lucrative. Much more lucrative than blogging even… hmm… nope, I’m not ready for that big of a change. Yet. Moving on, it’s difficult to scrounge up a good hitman tale, because if hitmen like Agent 47 do exist, all of their “hits” will undoubtedly look like accidents. So instead, I found one story kind of related to an example above (takes place theatrically), and two much more interesting stories.

Hired a hitman

This intelligent fellow hired a hitman to kill his mom.

Because she confiscated his Playstation.

Whenever I played the Hitman games, I could never pull off the interesting and fulfilling kills mentioned above. Except for tossing people off of buildings of course. So most of my kills would end up like this guys, very public, and very messy. If you don’t want to read the whole thing, the basic gist of the article is that a hitman walked into a cafe, greeted an apparent friend, loaded a gun, and shot the “friend” in the face. This is where my strategy and his strategy differ, in that I would have fled the crime scene within the 25 minutes it took the police to arrive.

Of course, maybe not getting caught is why I’m not a Hitman.

 

Spiderman

Spider Man

Who hasn’t engaged in the classic, “If you could have one superpower, what would it be?”, or, “If you could be one super hero, who would it be?” conversation? Whenever this question arises, I always jump right into Spiderman mode and steadfastly hold my ground as other try to change my mind to Superman or Wolverine. After playing Spiderman 2, I don’t have any desire to fly or be invincible. Web swinging is where it’s at. Flying may be entertaining at first, but zipping along thousands of feet above the ground doesn’t allow for much visibility of the ground. Swinging along however, puts you right in the action. Not to mention the super strength, and spidey sense.

Of course, you’re not interested in my opinions on super heroes, what you’re here for is to find out how Spiderman could happen in real life. Unfortunately for you, it’s not Spidermen, but Spidergoats. The main goal of this project is to make spidersilk milkable, by having strands come out with goat milk. This of course means that one day we may be able to make spider people, and aside from being a really cool conversation starter, you would also be able to shoot spider webs from, well, most likely your nipples. It’s not a pretty picture for anyone really, men or women, but I submit this hypothesis as fact.

Spidergoat

Not Quite. Also, if you want to sleep at night, don’t Google “spider” ever.

EVER!

And yes, those are tons of baby spiders on its back.

 

Sniper Elite

File:Sniper Elite.jpeg

I’ve never actually played the game Sniper Elite, but I don’t believe it would be a stretch for me to say that  it has a lot of sniping. In fact, I believe that Sniper Elite involves mostly sniping, if not only sniping. Sniping people, sniping buildings, sniping animals, snipe snipe snipe snipe snipe. So understandably, I figured it would be easy to find at least someone whom would make a good example of an elite sniper. Oh boy, did I find the guy.

His name is Simo Häyhä. He had received many commendations and trophy’s even before going into the service against the Red Army in the Winter War between Finland and the Soviet Union. The war only lasted from November of 1939 to March of 1940, but in this amount of time Simo Häyhä managed to kick a considerable amount of Soviet Union ass. Dressed in white camouflage in temperatures ranging from below zero, to way below zero, Häyhä made 505 confirmed sniper kills. Add to the that the use of his machine gun (which we will), and his total kill count is 705. All of this in only 100 days total.

File:Simo Hayha.jpg

Your worst nightmare

Hell, this guy was outnumbered, out tanked (30 for Finland, the Soviet Union had 6,541) and out aircrafted (130 to 3,880), but still he needed to even up the odds. Feeling that scopes weren’t suitable for the environment, he opted for iron sights instead. That’s right, think about hitting a target in -40 degree weather from on the ground, in the snow 100 or so feet away using one of those Call of Duty: World at War guns without a scope. Not a pretty, or easy picture. Add to that the fact that most of the time these were patrols with more than one person, and you have yourself fairly even playing field considering who we’re talking about.

Also, he was pretty darn smart:

“Another tactic used by Häyhä was to freeze the snow in front of him so that the shot wouldn’t puff the snow, thus revealing his position. He also kept snow in his mouth so that when breathing he wouldn’t reveal his position.”

That’s It

So there you go. There’s bound to be more of these stories out there, and if there are, rest assured I’ll find out. Hope you enjoyed the read.

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~ by Dylan Nelson on April 16, 2009.

3 Responses to “5 Video Games in Real Life”

  1. Hi, interesting post. I have been thinking about this topic,so thanks for sharing. I’ll certainly be coming back to your blog. Keep up great writing

  2. I can live with that. As I said in the article, it would be very difficult indeed to find an actual hitman whom pulled off a hit like Agent 47, because it would undoubtably have looked like an accident. So I just found the most interesting stories I could about Hitmen. I guess I could have found a news story about a radio falling into the bathtub while someone was bathing, but it would probably just have turned out to be an accident in the end.

    Thanks for reading!

  3. This article Is… so stupid….
    Hitman and the kid? ohh good very good…..

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