Ode to Uwe
Guess Who’s Next. C’mon. Just guess.
Orson Welles, Stanley Kubrick, Stephen Spielberg. Each of these men changed cinema in their own way. Welles showed us what a masterpiece truly is. Kubrick showed us that space could actually be boring, and Spielberg showed us how to destroy a franchise and a reputation in one fell swoop. If there is one man whom deserves to join these three directors in the annals of history, it is indeed Germany’s own Uwe Boll. A master of his craft, Boll manages to capture the hearts of movie goers every time one of his films stumbles like a drunk man into theaters. Other times, he entertains with his direct to DVD movies and direct to DVD sequels.
You Guessed It!
Of course, Boll stands tall as the worlds most adamant games-to-movies translator, earning himself a special place in the anals of gamers. He is our knight in shining armor. The hero that Gamers deserve, but not the ones they need. Oops, I slipped into “Dark Knight” mode for a second there. Did I mention that Boll’s first video game film “House of the Dead” is better than “The Dark Knight”? Because it really is. It features actual gameplay footage from the video game that it calls father, House of the Dead. Isn’t that just swell?
Two years later in 2005, Uwe Boll raped both the minds, and hearts of gamers (in a good way) with two new movies. “Alone in the Dark”, perhaps the most faithful of video game movies, featuring Tara Reid as a Scientist Lady and Christian Slater as a sex offender. Immediately after “Alone in the Dark” gamers were treated to another cinematic abortion (the good kind of abortion) with “BloodRayne”. Those who played BloodRayne were likely not surprised to find that “BloodRayne” far surpassed anything the game could offer, although they did manage to find a lady even less attractive than polygons.
Yes, we know. Now put down the clipboard before you hurt yourself
2007 will from here on be known as “The Year of the Boll”. First up to bat was “In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale”. This movie starred Jason Stathom as a farmer named Farmer doing un-farmer like things such as jumping around and running. Then came “Postal” which very prominently starred Dave Foley’s junk. Dave Foley’s junk did not win the Academy Award though, which unfortunately went to Forest Whitaker who played a king or something. Finally, video game wise, “BloodRayne II: Deliverance” hit store shelves to a large shout of “FINALLY!” from the gaming community. Once again, the actress is lackluster, but the acting, as in all of Boll’s films, was superb. NOTE: Those were just the video game movies he released in 2007. I KNOW RIGHT!?! AMAZING!
Last year, 2008, we were treated to 2 Boll masterstrokes. One was the sequel creatively titled “Alone in the Dark II”. AitDII thankfully starred a cast of people whom nobody has ever heard of. At least now viewers didn’t have to stare at that guy who actually kind of resembled the pixilated mess that was Alone in the Dark’s protagonist. “Far Cry” was released on DVD, unfortunately all copies left in stores self-destructed after 5 days due to pure awesomeness. This is why a copy cannot be found anywhere.
How did they NOT know that putting helicopters on
there would be too awesome?
And now we find ourselves at (kind of) the beginning of another year. We, as film-goers are once again looking down the barrel of Uwe Bolls enormous rocket launcher that he has pointed not only at us, but at culture itself. So far as IMDB can see we’ve got only 2 video game movies flying out to assault our senses this year. Luckily for everyone alive at this time (and in the future) though, there will be 7 Boll movies AT LEAST within the next 2 years.
One is forced to ask ones self, “How can someone continue to create movies of equal quality, and not realize that they are something truly special”. And looking back at Boll’s movies, it’s plain to see that Uwe Boll is very, very special. Special in the most special sense of the word. Uwe Boll is special, and he seems to be completely oblivious to this fact.
Do you want me to once again re-iterate how special he is?
Because I will
So now, let us all rejoice at the many Uwe Boll movies to come in the future, and hope against hope that he doesn’t ever die due to a very violent set accident. Very, very violent.
Oh yeah. Happy April 1st!